Robert Frost said it thusly: “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.”
It is hard to face up to the reality that after nine months of sacrifice, happiness, moments of joy, and moments of heartache–it’s over.
I’ve been struggling to put my feelings into words for over a week now. It’s been difficult. How do you describe what broken trust feels like? How do you properly articulate that bitter disappointment that the life you were building in your head has come tumbling down around your feet? How do you accept that the future family you were planning on being a part of is no more? That mental shift that occurred in my head anticipating the final fulfillment of my biggest dreams and goals in life–marriage and motherhood–has had to be rescinded. That’s so hard to swallow. The idea of it gets caught in my throat…along with all the tears–both shed and unshed.
The final bitter blow is the realization that I wasn’t important enough to him to trump his pride and selfishness. And all the words and promises spoken and written between us ring so very hollow now. What are words when actions fall so short?
But more than all of this is the stifling fear that I am the root problem here. Am I relationally challenged? Is it something about me that causes each of my relationships to end? Maybe I do require too much? Maybe I’ve been with the wrong people at the wrong times because of my loathsome need to be in control instead of letting God work? Perhaps I got off the right track long ago, breaking it off with a perfectly good person because at the time I myself was in a dark place, out of the center of God’s will, and now I’m just so self-deluded that the cycle continues?
I seem to always attract the wrong men at the oddest of times. I don’t know what that says about me or about God’s overarching plan for my life. I know that He is good and that He does good, but I am not good, and I do not do good as I ought to all the time. What is it with me that others seem to be able to find and accept men into their lives and see their desires come true but mine always fall so short? Is it me? I’m always the one doing the ending, but is it really because of a flaw in the other person?
Picking up the pieces and going forward is just part of life. I’m used to doing that.
But trusting myself and my impulses will be very difficult for a while. So yes, life does go on, but not without a price attached to it. Namely for me, self-skepticism and doubt.
Beautiful post!