In church for the past few weeks, we’ve been studying the idea of “marriageability”–and what principles are necessary to form the foundation of a good, healthy, happy, and honoring marriage. This topic has always been on my mind…considering I’ve always been a girl who wants to get married. However, I feel as though I’ve finally reached that point where the important things in life have really risen to the surface. This series at church has opened my mind to recognizing the shallowness of a few of my former ideals and the importance of others.

Pastor Meador has shared four foundational aspects of marriage in the series thus far that have made me stop and consider my own thoughts about marriage. The first foundational element is, of course, spirituality. Spirituality–a relationship with Jesus Christ–changes the way we talk to God, which in turn influences the ways that we talk to each other. Our communication with and toward the person we are considering to spend the rest of our lives with should be seasoned with grace. Our spirituality changes our attitude toward God and toward the reality of marriage–it is work that requires constant, diligent attention. It also affects our trust. We have to trust God to work through us in our relationship. If He is the foundation, we have to trust that He will lead us in the right ways with each other and throughout life. Trusting God implicitly allows us to trust each other–fallible human beings–with our hearts and our lives.

The second aspect of marriage that we have addressed specifically concerns men in relationships and marriages–essentially, the husband’s role. Men are demanded by God to lead, to love, and to lift up their partner always. They are commanded to lead in the homes, in the decision-making, and in daily life by being the kind of men that women can trust and follow. Their love is designed to mirror the love that Christ has for us, the church, His bride. It is sacrificial and selfless and constant. This kind of love allows women to flourish in their complimentary roles as wives. We discussed what it mean to “lift up” your wife. It gives off the connotation of support, sustainability, and encouragement. Being there to always be on her team and making sure that her emotional needs are met.

The third aspect that we discussed is surrender. This deals most directly with the wife’s role…although we are all commanded to surrender to headship of our Savior. A woman is able to surrender to the leadership and love of a man when he provides her with a love and leadership style that emulates that of Jesus Christ. Women, aka myself, are required to fit into the role that God has created for us as the companion and helper. We are required to SUBMIT to our husbands as we submit to the Lord.

This is where I freeze. SUBMISSION has never been easy for me. I am a very independently minded woman…probably more so than is good for me. My parents raised me to think for myself, to do things for myself, and to take care of myself. I’ve always found it hard even to submit to God’s plan for my life…not because I don’t think He knows best…but because I am deathly afraid of losing control. My life is at its best when I have structure and balance. When I know the expectations and the outcomes. I’m working on submitting to God each and every day. Submitting to a man..is far more tricky. I know that God has my best interests at heart. I have proof that He will never leave me or forsake me. His plans are good for me. I can trust that. Men are human. Men can lie. They can break things…hearts, hopes, dreams. And they can be unreasonable. They have human emotions…pettiness, pride, arrogance. All things that I also have in my life…so to submit to someone and give them the power to hurt me or command me…is scary to me. But I know when the right person is in my life…it will suddenly became not so scary.

Lastly, women can find help in implementing the commands above by having faith in Christ. Their faith in God to lead and to deal with their husbands can make all the difference in the world when it comes to enabling a woman to confidently follow the direction and decisions of the man in her life.

Then, this morning, we discussed a different aspect of marriage–sympathy. In this part of the passage in Ephesian 5, the Scripture says that husbands “ought to” do certain things. What I found most interesting about this was Pastor Meador’s explication about the phrase “ought to” in the Greek. Today, “ought to” is merely a suggestion. In the Scriptures, “ought to” implies indebtedness, compellingness, and obligation. Men are not just suggested to love their wives; they are obligated to provide their wives with the aspects of love that are most fulfilling to the wife. Warmth. Intimacy. Protection. However the wife best appreciates and feels love, is how the husband is commanded to provide it. It is his responsibility, and out of this responsibility, the woman will respond with her own equally personalized expressions of love.

We spoke today of having a synergy of presence in a relationship, meaning that both people are invested and present in the relationship…offering 100% of themselves. This includes loving and working together. Marriage is a huge step for people to take, as it usually involves leaving behind 20+ years of trust, security, and faith in one family and branching out to trust a different person and begin something new and untried. Because of this, the husband’s commitment to love and cherish the wife is vitally important as it provides the security needed to make the transition more smooth.

I had never heard it spoken this way before, but “marriage is the unconditional dedication to the betterment of the other person in the relationship.” To me, that is a beautiful expression that speaks volumes to the substantive aspects of marriage that hold the couple together when times are difficult. Sexuality, an important piece of the marriage puzzle and one that is going to be discussed next week, isn’t the bedrock upon which the relationship exists. Nor is it the principle that drives the couple to work through hard times. The dedication to the constant betterment of the other person does that.

I loved hearing that husbands are love to their wives AT LEAST as much as they love and care for their own bodies. They are also commanded to nourish their wives with tenderness and understanding. They are to treat their wives differently than they treat anyone else.  That’s so validating to hear as a woman.

We also discussed that men are to have a “strategy of principles” that they are to lay out for their wives as the leaders of the marriage. Live by forgiveness. Do not hold grudges. Put pride to death. Put each other first. Live by speech seasoned with grace. Edify each other in love.

Men are to establish principles on moral purity, financial integrity, and family worship. When husbands do these things and emulate Christ, they are men that women are proud to follow.

Lastly, men are to offer women the “security of their promises.” Christ is the ultimate example of trustworthiness and security. Men are challenged to emulate this for their wives. Reiteration of promises is key because women want validation. Promises such as “I will never leave you” and “I still do. I will always do.” When men make promises and keep them, the wife feels free to respond with joy and faith. It gives her the desire to surrender and to follow.

This was a long rambling thing tonight, but I needed to get these thoughts out of my head and into a forum where I can read them again and again. It also leads me to think of a current song that is on my mind a lot. I’ll end with the lyrics here. The words I’ve written here and the words below are what I’m clinging to. No longer am I disillusioned with other ideals. I can finally say that I know without a doubt the things of value and important in life and love. I want this for my life.

Mama, you taught me to do the right things.
So, now you have to let your baby fly.
You’ve given me everything that I will need.
To make it through this crazy thing called life.
And I know you watched me grow up,
and only want what’s best for me.
And I think I found the answer to your prayers.

And he is good, so good.
He treats your little girl,
like a real man should.
He is good, so good.
He makes promises he keeps.
No, he’s never gonna leave.
So, don’t you worry about me.
Don’t you worry about me.

Mama, there’s no way you’ll ever lose me.
Giving me away is not goodbye.
As you watch me walk down to my future,
I hope tears of joy are in your eyes.

Cause, he is good, so good.
And, he treats your little girl,
like a real man should.
He is good, SO good.
He makes promises he keeps.
No, he’s never gonna leave.
So, don’t you worry about me.
Don’t you worry about me.